It’s the morning after I’ve returned from my beach holiday, I’m sitting up in bed reflecting on how I felt before I left. I had been in such a vicious circle of chores, stress and basically repeat everyday to a point of losing the meaning of life.
Though I don’t work I feel I want to be fitting more things in my day than I could probably achieve if I was working. By trying to fit everything in I seem to lose what life means to me. And eventually I’m in conflict with myself.
While being away and not having to fit everything in my day, begins by waking up and having breakfast, taking my time to stroll out the house and go to the beach where I can absorb my surroundings and lose myself. I take in the calm sounds of the sea, the noises of nothing but nature. I can hear my needs that I would normal consider selfish but now realise it’s an MOT service to my wellbeing.
In london I rush to take my son to school, return to walk the dog, have breakfast, wash and clean the same things I cleaned yesterday, shop, get food ready, and maybe squeeze in a little fitness which used to be therapeutic but is now a stressful chore to fit in amongst everything else.
I can’t help but wonder if I try hard to squeeze everything in one day to justify my hours maybe because I’m critical to others who say I don’t find time to visit, exercise, go out etc etc when in fact they could say I don’t want to visit, exercise or go out and maybe that’s the problem. I don’t want to hear bullshit because then I’m realising the ingenuity of that person thus realise we have little in common and can’t see the point of the relationship if we’re in opposite directions.
Just to add to the equation, it doesn’t help when you read quotes about not wasting time or how every second counts, putting people, such as I under pressure to make sure I’m filling in every hour in my diary. To the person who came up with that; it’s about the quality not quantity in my life.
So I’ve come to realise that it’s ok if I do one thing and chill the rest of the day if it brings me the calmness I require and it’s ok if I don’t buy into people’s bullshit because it’s fast tracking whose presence I value and whose I don’t. It’s about keeping it real in and around my life.
Note to self: Stop living life in fight or flight